Joyful Witness / Kimberly Pohovey

God works through you during the holidays to comfort the grieving

When we think of Christmas, we envision being surrounded by family and friends, enjoying yummy food and drinks, and basking in the warmth of a good fire and good will.

But not everyone has this idyllic experience.

While Christmas can be a joyous time of year, there are individuals who struggle through the holidays because they are missing a loved one.

My father-in-law passed away the night before Thanksgiving. While we still celebrated the holiday, there was a pall over our festivities. I saw a quote that said grief at Thanksgiving is like having gratitude with a grain of salt.

I know a couple of friends who have lost loved ones close to Christmas, leaving them lonely on a holiday meant to be jolly. Many years ago, both my father and son died on the days surrounding Easter. It made me wonder why so many people pass away on or near holidays.

According to an article on CNN Health titled “Why do more people die at Christmas, New Year’s?” there is a greater chance of dying on Christmas, the day after Christmas or on New Year’s Day. Quoted in the article, David P. Phillips, a professor of sociology at the university of California-San Diego, says there is a spike in deaths for all ages groups on those days, except for children.

While scientists cannot explain the phenomenon, there are several theories, including lack of access to care during the holidays and increased stress, which exacerbates underlying health issues such as circulatory and respiratory diseases. Routines are disrupted, and we tend to eat and drink more and exercise less.

What does this mean for the family left behind to cope with their loss and grief during what normally would be a joyous time of year? Grief counselors first suggest a grieving person practice self-care. Staying active, eating healthy, exercising and getting enough sleep can help with a grieving person’s mental outlook. And even though there may be a place setting missing at this year’s table, there are ways to cope.

Discuss and cherish family traditions involving the deceased or decide on a new tradition in light of the changing circumstances. Light a memorial candle. Place an ornament in their memory on the Christmas tree. Give your time or financial support to charity—helping others often helps those who are grieving to stay busy and keep their circumstances in perspective.

Pour through old photos and appreciate the shared memories with your loved one. Most important, ask for help from those who love you, seek out a grief counselor or join a support group.

I can tell you from personal experience that the grieving person needs to talk about their loved one who passed. I think human nature makes us hesitant to discuss the deceased, but the truth of the matter is that talking about their loved one is paramount to their grief process. If you want to help someone who is grieving, do not shy away from asking about the person they miss so dearly.

If you are supporting a grieving person, be sure to let them take the lead on what they can and cannot do. Everyone grieves differently. Respect the grief process and accept the feelings the grieving person is experiencing. Listen instead of trying to fix the situation. Avoid judgments. Don’t just offer to help, actually do something to make the person’s life just a bit easier—bring over dinner, pitch in to clean the house, do laundry or run errands.

While a grieving person is likely to feel lonely even when in a room full of people, you have the power to lift their spirits, enter into their grief with them, and provide hope that one day the grief will lighten.

This holiday season, reach out to family and friends you know have lost a loved one. While you may feel you’re too busy during the holiday hustle and bustle, even the slightest kind gesture on your part will mean so much. Remember the Gospel of Matthew tells us, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Mt 5:4).

Don’t forget that God works through you to comfort the grieving.
 

(Kimberly Pohovey is a member of St. Jude Parish in Indianapolis. She is the director of major and planned gifts for the archdiocese.) †